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The Influencer

I wish I were an influencer
Not just some face in the crowd at the shopping center
I could come between a fool and his green
I'd have good looks for legal tender

I wish I were an influencer
They're the backbone of this great land
I'd turn the red states and blue a pretty purple hue
We'll sing Kumbaya hand in hand

I wish I were an influencer
Like Moses and Mohammed or a Kardashian
I'd thank the lord above and my followers beneath me
For making me who I am

I wish I were an influencer
Instead of taking a leg at a time to put on my pants
I could expand the colonies of all those honeybees
And bring back the polar caps

I wish I were an influencer
Like Jim Jones or Gandhi
I could spare a grand to help that Nigerian
Royal family that's been emailing me

If I were an influencer
I'd have to get up Monday morning, find something to wear,
Head to the beach, hope my body increases my reach
Like those guys on Cavalry and Tiananmen Square

 

 

 

If I were the Last man on Earth

If I were the last man on this earth
would you still get home late with your hair not straight
and your bra in your purse?
If I were the last man in this world
would you still act so cold if everything material
belonged to me girl?
 
Would you still run around this town
if I were the only man around?
How would you get a reputation
if this were the only train that came in your station?
 
If I were the last man on earth
would you still have something to hide from me girl
and would you make aquaintances without losing your pride?
If I were the last man on earth
would you think about what your vow was worth
or would death do us part still mean when your conscience dies?
 
If I were the last man on this earth
would you still act so loose if you knew you couldn't use
a perfect stranger?
If I were the last man on this earth
would you have more self control than a barned animal
or a white house intern?
 
Would you still run around this town
if I were the only man around?
How would you get a reputation
if this were the only train that came in your station?
 
If I were the last man on earth
would you still have something to hide from me girl
and would midnight mass still last past the sunrise?
If I were the last man on earth
would you think about what your vow was worth
or would death do us part still mean killing me inside?